Momentum

Our New Year’s party included the traditional burning of regrets and tying wishes to the hope tree. This year, I had no regrets to burn. There are many things that I regretted, particularly work related, but I’m not in any way ready to let go of them yet. There were things that I should regret, particularly in the past couple of months, but I don’t and I refuse to feel bad about it because I’m already seeing how much good will come from them. I did have a list for the hope tree, starting with the fervent wish that my brother’s girlfriend will beat cancer, and while there are things that I hope for myself and the rest of my family and friends, everything pales in comparison to that.

Now, poised in this moment of stillness at the beginning of a fresh new year, I’m in a different mental space. I don’t in any way feel compelled to compile a traditional ‘New Year’s Resolution’ post. Instead, I give you a list of what I do not resolve:

- There will be no resolution of personal wellness as there is no point: I woke up sick this morning, having succumbed to whatever Ivy brought back from Porto Vallarta.

- There will be no resolution of weight loss: I have already been losing weight thanks to a change of attitude, a change of body chemistry, and a change of environment. (I can’t even measure this change since the battery in the scale died last night and the hell if I know where the batteries are packed.)

- There will be no financial resolution: we will just keep chipping away at the mountain that is our mortgage. Right now all of our debt is good debt and hopefully my car limps along for another year so that the situation stays that way.

If I were forced to make a resolution (Really, who would do that? Hands up! Give me all your resolutions!) it would be to do more things that make me happy. This is more of a change in attitude than a resolution. I do far too many things that make me miserable; why on earth would I do that? Possibly because I think they are expected of me and I don’t know how to say no, or more likely because I live my life on the basis of delayed gratification. My actions reveal that for some reason I believe if I work hard and suffer deeply things will be that much better for me in the future, that there’s some hidden scale that will balance out in the end. Since I don’t really believe in an afterlife, I’m not really sure what I’m waiting for. I’m living for the future, but I don’t really know why. Doing what makes me happy sounds like a selfish goal, but if you know me you will realize that it’s not. I donate, I volunteer, I organize events for large groups to donate and volunteer, I’m responsible, dedicated and I like to make people happy. The good of the world makes me feel good, so why not be guided by what makes everyone feel a little better year-round?

No resolution of change is required for this year because I am already in motion toward change. I am somehow altered on a fundamental and subconscious level, and I’m gaining momentum. I am more comfortable in my skin now, but less comfortable in my life. This inevitably leads to growth: keeping the core and shedding the restrictive exoskeleton.