Tobogganing is Dangerous

Something has gone terribly wrong with the Christmas season. I’m not just referring to the crass commercialization and over-consumption, while that is an issue, but something that has gone more deeply awry. I present to you the following as evidence, some of which you may have heard before, but not all, I promise you:

1) Costco started selling Christmas items in August this year. August! Four full months before Christmas.

2) The sheer excess of Christmas decorations which is displayed on lawns. I’m not a scrooge to begrudge every penny spent and I like a nice tasteful light display as much as the next person, but when your lawn is covered in obscenely over-priced decorations including, but not limited to an inflatable Homer Simpson dressed as Santa, a polar bear fabricated of woven fiber-optics, two hardened plastic elves, a 12-foot high stocking, a giant snow-globe, complete with swirling snow and a full set of wooden reindeer complete with sleigh there is just something wrong. (Besides, don’t you think the polar bear would eat the elves and the reindeer?) Don’t even get me started on the inflatable snowmen! What’s wrong with the ones made of snow and assembled with mittens? We have plenty of real snow and it’s free, just falling from the sky. What especially irks me is the people that follow up all that crass window dressing with a “Jesus is the Reason for the Season” sign. Really? Really, you bought all that for Jesus? You must really love him and also be extremely hard of hearing. How many food bank meals could that inflatable Homer have paid for? How many rooms at the inn for the homeless?

3) Jingle Cats. Enough said.

4) On the bakery counter at Save-on today, there was a Christmas-themed knickknack on display. Picture this, if you will: there is a toboggan. On the toboggan is Santa. Santa is lying facedown on the sled, with his head facing downhill, as if he were riding it down a snowy slope. Santa is turned towards you with a big grin plastered on his face. This all sounds very idyllic, doesn’t it? But wait, there is more. There is a snowman also riding the toboggan and the snowman, just like Santa, has his head turned toward you with a giant smile. Be forewarned, this is where it goes off the rails. The snowman is astride Santa. Santa’s pants are around his ankles. I will give you a moment to absorb this. Santa is on a toboggan and appears to be just thrilled about being sodomized by a snowman. Even if you enjoy things going in the out door, that’s just got to be far too chilly to be pleasant!

I leave you to draw your own conclusions from the above evidence, members of the jury, but I, for one, am convinced that something, somewhere, has gone horribly wrong with Christmas.