Unexpected Perspective

This is the landing from two levels down. I'm laying on my back on the stairs with a view to the ceiling on the top level, like peering into the most shadowed layers of my mind through a secret back entrance. The lighting doesn't do quite what it's expected to and the straight lines lead to unanticipated places: revelation, excitement, complication and regret.

The red dress, the focus of the image, has a spectrum of mixed emotions woven into it. I wore it to the NaNo Thank God It’s Over party which I was wildly unprepepared for, so there was a baseline of panic with public speaking anxiety mixed in. I was relieved that the month was over, successfully completed, and that there was end to the enormous pressure it involved, but I was also heartbroken that it had ended, since I'd allowed a greater emotional investment on many levels than ever before. One of the great joys of NaNo is the chance to let my inner geek out to play, and I had far greater opportunity for that than ever before. I was exposed to ideas and concepts and events, even flavors, that opened up the dusty corners of my mind to new light. Some complex relationships developed this year, at once thrilling and painful, and I'm reminded of that interaction: how much I enjoyed the connection, and how much I miss these people the rest of the year. That night I gave small gifts, tokens really, to three individuals who had given me much greater but less tangible gifts this year, and their reactions are an integral part of my recollection of that night.

This image reminds me of how I felt, wearing that dress in that place: the anxiety and trepidation, the confidence and warmth, the pure enjoyment of shared humor and experience, and most of all the need to be understood and appreciated by those who I respect and admire. This gathering of articulate and intelligent people meant that thoughts were expressed more clearly, communication flowed more easily, and experiences were more deeply shared. At the end of the night, we sang and danced and relaxed, and the things that went wrong didn’t matter so much anymore.

Back at home, this confidence dissolved away, leaving complicated shadows and angles, and a red dress.

This is a view of the place I live; an unexpected perspective.